Baseball is my refuge and my strength

NOOOOO!!!!!

2009-11-08T23:40:01Z

I can't believe the Red Sox declined the option on Alex Gonzalez! I had really taken a shine to the guy, and I thought he was doing a really nice job for us. :::is all sadface:::

In other news, my ankle got REALLY sore after my last post; it was aching terribly (to the point of whimpering) even when I put no weight on it, which is a change from before. I took a look at it and there's some redness and warmth. There was a little bit of redness the day after I did it (the nurse practitioner commented on it), but the aching and warmth? It reminded me of the way my "crankle" felt last year. Now I'm wondering if I could possibly have a cellulitis on top of the sprain, or even a touch of arthritis or gout (both of which were mentioned as possibilities by my doctor during the crankle saga). What I did for the short term was take half a Percocet (whiich knocked me for a loop as usual) and lie in bed with the leg propped. I even napped a bit to whatever game was on MLBN, and although the pain is mostly gone I'm going to call for an appointment as soon as the office opens (even before I get to work) and have it looked at. I'm also going to reschedule my two mental health appointments that I was supposed to have this week. After all, both my therapist and my psychiatrist have offices on second floors of buildings with no elevators, and other than crawl up flights of stairs I don't think I can get there...

The sleep watch...

2009-11-08T16:59:27Z

Time to bed: 11:20 and fell asleep immediately.

Time awoke with muscle spasms: 12:30.

Time finally fell back to sleep after taking several measures, including finally putting slipper on over cast to further immobilize foot: Approximately 3:30.

Time finally woke up for good: 9:30.

So I managed to cobble together about 7 hours of sleep and am hoping to do even better tonight. After all, I do have a long week of work to deal with. I'm going to sleep with the slipper on again, or maybe even an athletic shoe, because the more my foot is forced to stay in place the less the spasms bother me. I think in any case I'll be calling my neurologist tomorrow to see if there are any other measures I should be taking. I'd like to avoid taking the maximum dose of my muscle relaxant, because my regular prescribed dose is 4 mg per night and I've been taking 6 mg and don't want to run out before my next fill date.

My foot is still very sore, so this will be another sedentary day for me. I've got quiet stuff I can do on the computer, and small house chores that involve standing in one place (which doesn't hurt as much) or sitting. This is going to get better, I swear it is. Baby steps, as I like to say.

And now...brunch.

My mama rocks!

2009-11-08T02:44:28Z

Well whaddya know, a positive post from me for a change! I may be tired and sore, but I am EXTREMELY grateful to my mother, who made the drive up here today (she's just a half hour away, but she doesn't like to drive that far at her age) to help me out around the house. We did the laundry, four washloads worth, then she fixed lunch, partly from my fridge, partly from stuff she had brought along, then afterwards she did the dishes. She also cooked some asparagus for me to eat later. Then she changed out my moldly shower curtain liner and vacuumed the part of the house that I live in day to day. By then it was time for her to go home, because she won't drive after dark, but maaaaan, what a lot to get done. I'm still pretty hobbled by my ankle, so needless to say her efforts were MUCH appreciated. I tried to tell her I owe her one (or ten), and she said, "But that's what mommies are for!" LOL...

Just puttering here for a while before bed. I had trouble with foot spasms again last night, got maybe six hours of sleep, and am fervently hoping that tonight will be the charm.

It's baysbawl spam!

2009-11-05T22:24:11Z

Just had to send out congratulations to my favorite Muppetfaced Venezuelan (that would be Bobby Abreu) on being signed for two more years by the Angels. There's a part of me that would have loved to see him in Boston if Jason Bay were not to return, but I also know that many Red Sox fans wouldn't be happy with that simply because he spent 2-1/2 years in pinstripes, so maybe it's for the best.

Based on all I've ever heard about Bobby, he's apparently a real student of the game, an excellent teacher, and oh yes, he's quite intelligent to boot. A couple more years of being a role model for his teammates in Anaheim and he'll be 37 (turning 38 during Spring Training the following season), at which time I can absolutely see him moving into a coaching role.

Some Bobby trivia: Very early on, he played single-A ball right here in Asheville, I believe in 1992. I went to plenty of Asheville Tourists games back then, and I'm pretty sure I remember him, mainly because I found his last name unusual. I read a story some years ago about his season in Asheville. It mentioned that the McCormick Field announcer thought his last name was "uh-BROO" and enjoyed saying it when he came up to bat, because it was fun to hear the "OO" echo against the ridges that surround the ballpark. The story went on to say that at that point Bobby spoke virtually no English, so the season was nearly over before he was able to tell the announcer how his name was actually pronounced. :D

Ever gracious in defeat...

2009-11-05T19:33:50Z

I'm not and have never been the hatin' kind when it comes to being a baseball fan. I already e-mailed my NYY fan cousins to congratulate them, and I'm hereby extending that congratulations to all the Yankees fans on my f-list. I really was hoping for a Phillies miracle last night but alas, Matsui got in the way. I must say, his homely self was very impressive. I missed the last couple of innings because I was too tired to stay awake, but I did wake up during the postgame for just long enough to realize it was all over. And now baseball is put to bed for the winter, and I am sad, but of course there'll be plenty of hot stove action and other related news to keep all of us going until Truck Day. And doG knows I have enough other stuff to keep me busy anyway.

Other than that? It's pretty clear that I went back to work too soon after my ankle sprain. Spending the day up and around resulted in exhausting me and making the leg (and my back) very sore. I got nothing done last night after I got home but eat dinner, and then I went to bed and propped my leg and was asleep by about 11:00. Unfortunately, I woke up shortly with intense muscle spasms that lasted for hours. I think I got about 4 hours of sleep altogether, and by around 3:00 I realized that I was probably going to have to stay home today to recuperate, so I left "heads up" voice mails on the appropriate phones at work. When I woke up this morning I felt like I had been run over by a truck due to sore muscles and lack of sleep, PLUS I was all congested and feel like I'm maybe getting a chest cold, which I do NOT need. Anyway, I called in for real, went back to bed, and managed another 1-1/2 hours of sleep before the muscle spasms came back. Just ate a large late breakfast and am going back to bed. I had damn well better keep the respiratory issues at bay, because my department-mate is taking tomorrow off so I need to be there. At least I'll be well rested and less sore.

Argh. Just...argh.

2009-11-03T14:14:50Z

When it rains it pours, I swear.

Yesterday was very good up until round about suppertime. The steroid nasties are nearly gone, and my mobility has improved, and I opted to walk around at work without my cane. I did just fine, although I was limping some by late afternoon. Came home and was in "kitchen stuff" mode and was THAT close to boiling up some whole wheat pasta, when I turned my left ankle under HARD. Not sure if I heard a pop or it was just the shock to my system, but it didn't sound good. I fell against the door to my furnace closet and knocked it off the hinges. Then I started hollering, thinking I had probably broken something. After a minute or two I was able to get up, not really able to bear weight on it, but I got myself onto my cane, opened the kitchen door, and started yelling for my neighbor Bob. I started tottering across the yard, then dropped to the ground and started crawling towards Bob's apartment. Thankfully, he heard me and came right outside, hoisted me up, and got me back in the house. My first thought was that he needed to drive me to the ER, but when I called the doctor on call at my office, he said it sounded like I should wait for an x-ray at clinic this morning. In the meantime he instructed me to take ibuprofen and some Percocet (I have a very few pills on hand from surgery two years ago), do ice baths, and prop it up. So Bob went down the street to get a bag of ice, I called my office to tell them I'd be out today (AGAIN) because I needed to stay off my foot, and then Bob brought me some freshly stewed slow-cooker beef that was out of this world, and I stirred together some corn, beans, salsa, and sour cream that was intended for tacos, and that sufficed for dinner. After that, I did the ice bath and went to bed, where I fell asleep during the 7th inning or thereabouts.

Damn ankle is swollen up like a goose egg. I can bear weight, but I have to move v-e-r-y slowly and pay attention to how I place my foot. I have an appointment for 11:30. I thought Bob was going to drive me but it turns out that he can't. I guess I'll take the back roads over there, because driving is going to be dicey at best, seeing as how I'm having trouble bending my ankle.

Oh, this is so much fun. Not.

Well, whaddya know!

2009-11-01T14:54:55Z

I know I haven't mentioned him in months, but my Google Alerts just informed me that dear Covelli Loyce, wherever he may be hiding out this offseason, is the big 3-0 today. His injuries took him out of the game quickly in 2009, but here's hoping that his two shoulder surgeries cured what ailed him and he has a terrific 2010 season somewhere. Silly scrunchy-faced hugs to Coco!

Mold, I hate you.

2009-11-01T00:17:52Z

Sorry for the spam, y'all. My decluttering efforts this evening involved sorting through some of my old cassette tapes (I have several hundred to go through, dating all the way back to the 1970s). Prior to tonight I had been working on the noncommercial tapes that were unrelated to my many years as a fiddler; tonight I got started on a box of tapes recorded at festivals, parties, bar gigs, and of course a few commercial tapes put out by old friends over the years. I had been dreading this with good reason. I already knew that commercial tapes tend to disintegrate/mold/whatever more readily -- I guess the manufacturers use cheaper materials than what my my friends and I used for our private endeavors. So tonight, as I had suspected, I had to throw out most of the stuff that my old pals recorded professionally, because the tapes were full of chalky white spots and fun stuff of that nature. What upset me, though, was that a good percentage of the personal tapes were similarly ruined. Not all of them, certainly, and there were some happy surprises, such as the pristine condition of the tape that I made the very first time I went to a bar gig by the band that literally changed my life. That was back in 1980 and I recorded it on a freaking MEMOREX tape (!!!!), and it has held up all these years. But for every "oh wow, it lives!" moment there was an "oh shit I have to throw this one out" moment. So many memories...right into the trash. It really sucks.

Whew...

2009-10-31T21:32:11Z

I think the worst of the steroid hell is over.

I slept great last night. The anxiety kicked in right away this morning but I was able to get my hair done and do my grocery shopping...by the skin of my teeth, really, but the bad feelings aren't as intense as yesterday, and I think things will be uphill from here. Right now I'm hanging out real quiet-like here at the house and will soon dig into the decluttering. I've got some really sweet Renaissance music going on the Internet audiostream -- I had forgotten how very much I love that REAL old-time music, i.e., from the 1400s or thereabouts.

I want to send HUGE thanks out to everyone who has sent good thoughts and put up with my whining and complaining during this last little while as I deal with my recent challenges. I know I'll get through this and feel better, although it'll probably take awhile.

I also want to get in on the meme that horsecrazylizarecently posted. Of course, it's so absurdly easy that it's a shame I didn't get to it earlier, but at any rate, here is my current desktop. Sometime soon I'll probably switch to some scenery, but you know what? I love looking at my baseball boyfriends. They are teh pretty.

The only other thing I've got going on atm is that I'm currently reading something amazing -- my paperjournal from the summer of 1988. I moved from New York to North Carolina, then spent two months driving back and forth between "down here" and "up there" living a wonderfully chaotic mix of partying, visiting, music, and general good times, and I chronicled the entire trip. So far it's been more than a little bit interesting. Selected excerpts forthcoming, no doubt.

Off to the back room to work on the mess...and Happy Halloween to all of you.

This is my body on steroids.

2009-10-30T23:43:51Z

Y'all don't even want to KNOW how bad today was in terms of my steroid side effects. Fortunately, I realized sometime in the wee hours this morning while struggling not to crawl out of my skin that it would *not* be a good idea to go to work today, seeing as how I had maybe four or five hours of sleep on top of extreme irritability. I called in and told my supervisor straight up that I needed a mental health day; she was very understanding, thankfully. I fixed myself a cream cheese omelet and home fries with cheddar and salsa (the high point of my day), and eventually got myself back to bed, where I proceeded to be too agitated to sleep, and too anxious to sleep as well, because I kept on having this irrational fear that if I *did* fall asleep, I wouldn't wake up again. Just the medication hell talking, and I know it, but I spent the whole day fighting this battle. I eventually called my neurologist's office and left a message asking for some reassurance that I wasn't going to die, as well as some sort of time frame as to when the worst of this will pass, but they never called me back, which sucks.

I've been listening to various ambient music for hours now to try to distract myself and stay calm. I had a very light dinner, just raw red cabbage salad and a Clif bar (scaling back from the mountains of food I gorged on over the past few days, yet another lovely steroid side effect). I've taken my evening psych meds. I've talked to my mother on the phone. I'm starting to come down off the ceiling now, I think, but whoooeeee, was this a hellacious experience. Now I remember why I usually avoid heavy duty steroids all costs.

When I'm feeling a little more up to it I will share the very bizarre dream that I had during my brief period of sleep last night. It's making me laugh now. Last night? I woke up panting, literally. Obviously it was not nearly so funny at the time.

This is going to be a very early night for me, needless to say. Hopefully I can actually fall asleep and stay asleep this time.

Why...?

2009-10-29T16:20:50Z

Why am I having such a hard time convincing myself that I'm actually worth spending $45 or so on?

A couple of hundred feet away from me are several tables of really pretty jewelry, handmade by talented coworkers for our office craft show. I know I can't afford to indulge right now, what with adding on the $200/month for the MS med, and what with trying to save money to get into a better living situation (probably at least another $150/month rent for something decent)...but I live so minimally. I don't go out on the town. My diet is simple bare bones food, and I maybe get takeout twice a month tops, all the while feeling guilty if I spend $10 on it. I don't do much of anything other than work, sleep, and meet my living expenses. I don't know how the hell I'm going to afford to go to my family reunion next summer, if it actually happens. My trip to see my sister in Portland (which she's been wanting me to take since 2006) is only happening thanks to her buying me a plane ticket as a VERY generous combination birthday/Christmas present.

I don't really NEED said jewelry (earrings/necklace, freshwater pearls set with silver), and actually my first choice, which was brought in specifically *for me* by one coworker who is very special to me is WAY out of my price range at $70 (it's red coral with sterling silver...simply gorgeous). The $45 stuff was made by another coworker (one who I'm not all that fond of, but she's hella talented at making jewelry) and it's been calling to me all morning...and I want it but again, I don't NEED it. And again, I really can't afford to be spending money on non-necessities right now. There's just a part of me that is screaming, "Do something nice for yourself. You deserve a treat!" It's been at least a couple of years since I've bought any jewelry at all. I'm probably long overdue.

The problem is that I can't convince myself that that little screaming part is telling me the truth.

So...I'm probably going to go home tonight and take a cold hard look in my closet and ask myself how well that freshwater pearl set would go with the stuff I wear to work (I wear lots of black...but not necessarily with colors that would go with pale gray and silver). If my answer is "very well," and if the jewelry is still there on day two of the craft show, maybe I'll take it as a sign that I was meant to do something nice for myself.

Ugh. Thanks to whoever made it through this stream-of-consciousness ramble.

Make it stop...

2009-10-26T16:53:27Z

Being in the comfort of home all day yesterday and not having to deal with anyone or anything except on my own terms, I didn't realize that all those lovely steroid side effects were starting to kick in.

Even after a good night's sleep (during which I woke up just long enough to see that the ALCS was over with an unhappy ending), by the time I got to work this morning I was so, SO tired. I'm absolutely drained, and I don't get to leave for another five hours. I'm also beginning to feel a tad grumpy (reaches for another half dose of mood stabilizer). And...I'm incredibly hungry -- that started showing itself last night. Actually, I'm underweight so gaining a quick 10 lbs is not a bad thing, but it's hard to find the time to cram all the food in, and of course I worry about taking in too much salt (because I'm hypertensive) or sugar (prednisone increases the blood glucose anyway, not that I'm diabetic, but still...).

I just want to go home and go to bed. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass, and it'll all be worth it if it knocks the MS relapse on its ass.

:::bangs head against wall:::

Thoughts for the day...

2009-10-26T01:08:25Z

It's so nice to walk into that back room -- freshly vacuumed and aired out, then drenched in toasty warm scented candle smells for a couple of hours while I picked through bags of junk mail and sorted old cassette tapes -- and realize that it no longer smells bad in there.

It's also really nice to look around at what I still have left to do and realize that this hill is NOT insurmountable.

I am absolutely worn out right now, but it it is so worth it.

Sometimes lately I hardly recognize myself...

2009-10-24T15:17:19Z

Up at 7:15 on a Saturday morning? Me? Really? If anyone had told me a few months ago that I could even DO that I wouldn't have believed them. But I did just that today so I'd be all fed and watered and ready to walk out the door after my neighbor stopped by at 9:30 to load a bunch of dead computer components into my car so I could take them to a special dropoff that the county recycling program was running this morning. Afterwards I ran a couple of other errands, including bringing another chair to Goodwill...it's sturdy as hell but needs reupholstering because the [very ugly] fabric is very musty/dusty. Someone'll be able to make use of it, I'm sure.

So here I am, just after 11:00 (when normally I would be fixing a late breakfast if I had even gotten that far), and my busy day most definitely does not end with this early flurry of activity. In an hour or so I'll be heading over to the hospital for my final Solu-Medrol infusion, after which I will GRATEFULLY have the catheter apparatus removed from my arm. Then I''ll get my oil changed and hopefully get home in time for the start of ALCS Game 6 (if the weather holds in New York), and do my exercises in front of the TV before using the game as background noise while I get my butt into the kitchen and start on the dishes and do some cooking prep. Then I need to muster the energy to do my daily work in the back room -- it'll be sit-down stuff this time. Going through papers and triaging them into "recycle" or "shred." I suspect that the "keep" pile will be neglible. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get some Internet time in before bed. I owe e-mails to treasured old friends, and hopefully I can make a dent in that. I also started a pretty fascinating book yesterday, but more on that later because I realize that I'm getting longwinded. I'll probably read in bed for awhile, but tired as I'll be by tonight, that probably won't last long!

ETA: Ahaha...FAILHAT on the game time, yes? And it got postponed to boot. I've crossed off everything described above except for cooking, which I'm about to do. That said, I am so utterly exhausted that my evening will probably consist of reading that book rather than trying to formulate thoughts and express them to my two closest childhood friends. If I get up early again, with Game 6 not starting until 8:20, I have a big honking chunk of time in which to be productive again. Me likey!

Not to complain too much but...

2009-10-22T12:21:59Z

I need to keep folks updated about what's going on with me.

Went to the neurologist yesterday and yes, my MS has relapsed. Soon as it can be set up (hopefully later today?) I'll be getting three days worth of intravenous steroids at an infusion center, then will go on oral steroids for about 10 days, by which time I will probably be a raving lunatic because steroids make me ultra-hateful and borderline psychotic. Oh joy.

Then I'll start back on my $200 a month Avonex, which will make me a very poor panda just a few months ahead of my planned move to a better living situation. How I'll afford all this, I have no idea.

I'm limping and lurching around, am starting to get the "are you drunk or something?" jokes at work, but I'm now allowed to use one of the handicapped parking places at work ONLY because I actually have a placard -- I was informed that without it I would be subject to ticketing, because, get this, the city cops actually come onto our property to check that stuff, which blew my mind, but anyway...

We're currently doing the H1N1 vaccine stuff at my office, but the current batch was only supposed to be for the doctors and other staff who actually deal with patients (we're seeing a lot of H1N1 cases), so I had to beg and plead for one. I have two immune system disorders (asthma and MS) and have been hospitalized twice for pneumonia, so in the interest of self-preservation, I felt that it was VERY necessary. After our mandatory H1N1 staff meeting yesterday, I asked The Queen of Mean if she would make an exception for me. She had me ask my primary doc, who said yes, and when I went back to TQOM, she said to the Director of Nursing, right in front of me, in a snarky tone of voice, "Our 'exceptional employee' needs the shot." Pretty clear that she wasn't pleased about this little peon thinking I'm so speshul that I deserve one, but fuck her, KWIM? I got my shot yesterday afternoon, and when I personally thanked the Director of Nursing for it, she gave me a patronizing verbal pat on the head. Fuck her too. A couple of our patients are currently in the ICU on ventilators because of H1N1; one of them is expected to die. I'm not ready to do so, and that's why I went to the trouble of getting that shot.

Oh yes, and my MS-related muscle spasms popped up early this morning for two solid hours, so I got about 5 hours of sleep. I feel like a zombie, but the show must go on, so here I go...

Thanks for reading, if you did.

An ALCS moment...

2009-10-18T22:19:40Z

This courtesy of my cousin Danielle, who sent it to me, of her mom all bundled up during Game 2 last night (and she stayed for all 13 innings despite living a ways out on Long Island -- there's no telling what time she actually got home).

I'm squeaky clean here after a shower following 2-1/2 hours of kamikaze decluttering that cleared so much space that I think Raye will be very surprised when she comes here for a session on Wednesday. A couple of boxes of junk are now totally gone to the garbage and the back seat of my car is full of stuff to take to Goodwill tomorrow, including a chair, a mirror, a magazine rack, a box of clothes, and a box of knickknacks. I tossed the World War II vintage Army cot that my dad had passed on to me for festival use (and which I had never used). I was sort of sad to do that, but it's too contaminated with mold and dust to give to a surplus store.

Late in the afternoon I found yet another box of books, most of which will probably get gone because they're no longer of interest to me (from a quick glance through them), but that's for another time, because right now I have to eat, do dishes, and deal with e-mails and such. I'll be back later to answer comments from my earlier entry.

I dunno...

2009-10-18T18:10:04Z

Just watched the latest press conference related to the "balloon boy" incident, and I've got to say, I think the authorities are overreacting a bit. And no, that's not the cop-hater in me talking. I was able to look at the individuals as they spoke without feeling revulsion or anger. I just listened and tried to be objective, and after hearing everything they said, it baffles me that they want to press felony charges on these folks. I do feel that they need to make restitution for leading the authorities and media on a wild goose chase, certainly, but "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" and a boatload of other potential charges? You've got to be kidding me. What do my readers think about this whole thing? I'm just curious.

I watched most of the first two games of the ALCS -- fell asleep in the 8th inning on Friday and had to call it a night in the 12th inning last night (and was simply aghast at the way the game ended when I read about it this morning). Although things are not going the way I had hoped, I must say that CC Sabathia's performance was particularly impressive. I just hope some nice warm L.A. weather will cure whatever is causing the Angels' massive suckage.

In other news, I talked to my mother for a LONG time yesterday about my latest health stuff, and to my surprise she was a lot calmer about it than I was. She basically said that I should just see what the neurologist says, and that my body may heal itself. Also, with regards to my worries about finding affordable housing once I clean out the mess here, she said that she thinks a way will somehow be found, because I've successfully overcome so many other obstacles. So...that sort of cheered me up -- and to my amazement, my left leg weakness has improved today. It's not totally gone, but it wasn't as hard to lift the leg today while exercising, and I'm walking a little more normally.

Into the back room I go, having blown off decluttering for the last two nights (having done a month's worth of laundry yesterday afternoon and exhausting myself in the process). I've got my battle plan drawn up and hope to get through all of it. I'll probably be ready for a Goodwill/recycling run, but it's 30-something degrees outside, so I'll probably just drop stuff off on the way home from work once the weather eases up.

10/17/09

2009-10-17T14:59:25Z

This week has honestly been a rollercoaster in terms of my health. It should be noted that otherwise things are fine, although work was interminable and wore me out, and I didn't even make it through Game 1 of the ALCS before having to go to sleep, and sleep well I did. I have a full weekend of chores and decluttering on tap. Thankfully it will only keep me out of the house for a little while, because our weather is no better than that which is threatening Game 2 of the ALCS, and we're supposed to have our first little spit of snow tonight. Too early for my taste.

Anyway, the health stuff is as follows: The stuff with my legs seemed to be resolving by Thursday -- it felt for all the world like it was related to my knee and the leg strain from the stupid maneuver in the grocery store -- so I called my neurologist to report that I was improving. Unfortunately, it didn't continue to improve. By late yesterday afternoon I noticed that when walking around the office I would feel normal at first, then my legs would rapidly fatigue and start feeling slightly heavy, and my left leg would feel a little bit weak again. I work until well after business hours, so by the time I realized this it was too late to get worked in by my neurologist, and his office doesn't take weekend call, so I had no choice to wait it out until Monday, wave the white flag, and get worked in ASAP. Late last night, to my horror, I realized that I can no longer feel sharp (e.g., a fingernail or the scraping of a pen) on the bottom of my left foot and part of my left leg. I can still feel pressure just fine, and the slight weakness isn't hampering my getting around, but this is very scary, as my first and only attack back in 2000 started with foot numbness and led to me having to use a rolling walker and a tub bench for close to a year. One plus at this point is that I do stretching and strengthening exercises every day, so I'm in much better shape than I was back then, but still...and I guess I'll probably have to beg my health insurance plan for preauthorization so I can take the injections that will cost 1/10 of my take-home pay per year, which really sucks.

As if I didn't already have this to deal with, I also called my allergist's office to see where the hell my shot serum was, seeing as how my allergy testing was weeks ago. Turns out the head honcho doctor (not the nurse practitioner who I had seen for testing) isn't comfortable with me being on said shots because my lungs are so precarious (although they do seem to be improving atm). Apparently people with asthma this bad are susceptible to having really bad reactions to shots. Okay, I get that, but I was on shots for about 15 years without incident and stopped them a few years ago because I had improved so much. Obviously my immunity has now worn off. So now what am I supposed to do about the mold and dust allergies while cleaning out this place so I can move to somewhere less toxic so I can avoid further deterioration? Is there some other medication regimen I should be on that will make things better enough for me not to freakin' DIE during this project? I was pretty steamed, needless to say, and when they offered me an appointment with the doctor to discuss the situation and the risk/benefit ratio, I jumped on it (of course, can I even afford allergy shots if I'm on the MS shots?). It's scheduled for Tuesday, so between this and whatever happens with the neurology situation, I suppose I'll be dipping into my "time off" fund at work to deal with the medical stuff.

It goes without saying that I'm discouraged at this point. It seems like every time I start making progress towards pulling myself out of the pile of shit that my life has become over the past bunch of years, something comes along and knocks me back down. It's hard not to wonder if things will ever get any better.

Watch and wait...

2009-10-13T21:34:46Z

I think I may be going into an MS flare for the first time since my initial attack in 2000. It could just be muscle fatigue because on Sunday at the grocery store I was looking at an item that was on a bottom shelf, and I went from a floor-level squat to standing without holding onto anything. At the time it seemed like it required quite a bit of effort to thrust myself upwards, and I don't usually squat anyway because of my cranky left knee, so I could have just overworked my leg muscles. Since yesterday my legs have felt a little bit weak, especially the left, and my gait is a little off, and this afternoon my legs feel a tad heavy. I think I may have mentioned in an earlier post that recently my restless legs have been occurring during the daytime as well as at night, sort of like painless spasms if I'm sitting for long periods of time. I hadn't paid much attention to that, but the stuff over the last couple of days is freaking me out. I called my neurologist and explained the situation, including the move at the grocery store, and he said to give it a couple of days and if it doesn't get better, he'll work me in. I'm hoping that it's just muscle strain and that my lack of interferon injections over the last several months isn't coming back to bite me in the butt, because I so cannot afford to start back on them right now...

First, you cry...

2009-10-11T20:18:59Z

And now the Red Sox are done too. I'm too stunned to even find words right now. I do know that I need some time to calm down before I head to the store to do my grocery shopping, though. My eyes are too red to go out in public anyway.

At least the team that beat us is one that I enjoy watching -- lots of good players, and Bobby Abreu has been one of my favorites for years. He may look like a Muppet, but he's just amazing. Also, they're playing with a higher purpose right now, doing it for Nick, if you will. So if they end up facing the Yankees in the ALCS I'll root for them. But right now? I want to slap the shit out of those guys. Seeing my boys walk out of the dugout for the last time, seeing Tek sitting there watching as it all slipped away, seeing Pap sitting there after the meltdown. Just...painful.

Well, I guess I'll be getting lots of decluttering done sooner rather than later, won't I?

:::sigh:::

2009-10-11T01:33:51Z

My NL boys are going home for the winter. It started to hit me around the 6th or 7th inning that this was really happening, and yes, I shed some tears along the way before just going numb. One of the few bright spots tonight was Albert singling in Julio (who drew a walk as a pinch hitter and then stole second). Too bad it was our only run. Vicente Padilla shut our hitters down, and our pitchers didn't do the same to the Dodgers. So that's that.

Now I have to wait 4-1/2 months to see my two favorite baseball boyfriends again. Oh sure, I can dig around on line and find some updates on them, since they both do charity work. Albert's stuff will be easy to find -- Julio's not so much, but hopefully his foundation's website will be updated during the offseason. Unfortunately, it's not the same as seeing them out there on the field. And 4-1/2 months is a long fucking time. :::major sadface:::

Bah.

I feel like I'm spamming.

2009-10-10T17:57:12Z

And I sort of think that hardly anyone is reading this journal at this point. I hate that I'm so boring. My life will no doubt be a lot more exciting once I finish decluttering and get moved. Then my health will improve and I'll feel up to getting out and about, but for now this is my life and I need to write about it. /rant

Anyway. Today was supposed to be laundry day followed by decluttering until the Cardinals game starts (please, please, PLEASE, boys...keep this season going, mmkay?). Unfortunately, breakfast didn't agree with me. Nothing serious, but I'm quite queasy, and my anti-nausea medication (which is working marginally) makes me pretty loopy. On top of that, my lungs are aggravated today. In other words, I'm not going anywhere. I even took my outgoing bills up to my landlady's house...IN MY PAJAMAS...because I didn't feel up to getting dressed and driving to the nearest mail drop, and there's no guarantee that the mail carrier will check the box on my house if I'm not getting any mail today, and those bills need to go out because otherwise they'll be late.

So the battle plan for the afternoon will be quiet stuff like doing dishes and working on my pile of e-mails, maybe a little light cooking to get a jump start on my meal needs for the week. That should keep me out of trouble until game time.

One last thing about health stuff: It would be so nice if my allergist's office would return my phone calls. I'm trying to find out if the serum for my shots has come in yet, because I'm chomping at the bit to start, but I left a message several days ago and have heard not a word. Guess I'll try again Monday, but still, this is the second time in the last couple of months that they haven't called me back, and that's not good.

Greetings from sunny warm Asheville

2009-10-09T19:19:02Z

It's currently 78 degrees here, but while downtown running errands I spotted orange and purplish-red leaves mixed in with the green, so I know this weather won't last long.

Last night baseball proved to be my VERY short lullaby, as I was out like a light moments after my head hit the pillow, even though the Red Sox game was going on with the volume set at a medium level. I must have some sort of sixth baseball sense, though, because just as I had awakened at an opportune moment the previous night, this time my eyes flew open in the top of the ninth, and of course what I saw on the TV screen did not make me happy. Hopefully things will go better, MUCH better, tonight....

That's it for now. Thanks to a stop at the soul food restaurant near my office, and a messy platter of ribs that took awhile to eat, I'm stuck here until 7:00 tonight, so I have miles to go before I sleep.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

2009-10-09T01:42:25Z

I can't fucking believe it. The Cardinals were THIS.CLOSE to taking Game 2. We were up 2-1, bottom of the 9th, 2 out, bases empty, and a fly ball to the outfield came Matt Holliday's way and...he dropped it. A two-base error. After that Ryan Franklin imploded, issuing a walk, then giving up a single that tied the game, Then there was a passed ball by Yadi Molina and both runners advanced, then another walk loaded the bases. All of this with two out, and then in came a pinch hitter and, and, and...now we're down 0-2 in the series and I just want to bang my head against the wall because I'm SO not ready to see these guys (including my two favorite baseball boyfriends) start the offseason this soon. If they don't turn this shit around I will stomp my feet and rend my garments and there will be much wailing.

Oh, and by the way, Julio had a fabulous game, which is some small consolation for the disaster that I just witnessed. A single, a double, a stolen base, and sparkling defense, including one real webgem. Way to go, Little Guy. Hopefully the season will continue so I can see more of that. ♥ ♥ ♥

can you tell i'm in a hurry here?

2009-10-08T23:03:02Z

i'm going to do something really uncharacteristic here -- i'm not going to bother with caps and i'm just going to let the words flow, because i haven't posted all week and i just want to get this written while it's fresh on my mind, after which i will change into my pjs and sit on the bed and eat cannned vegan lentil soup (or maybe i'll make black bean and corn tacos, i dunno) and watch the cardinals game. atm they're up 1-0 (thanks for the hr, holliday!), and they really need to win after losing last night. i watched the game in bed and snuggled down into the pillows a little after 11 because i was so tired. woke up a couple of hours later to find julio at the plate (spooky timing, yes?), so i watched him as well as albert, then turned off the tv and went back to sleep.

sleep has been a bit difficult for me lately because i'm having some issues with restless legs, or perhaps it's plain old spasticity from my ms, because it's happening during the day too, and sometimes the jerking is pretty bad. i'm feeling pretty run down from lack of sleep and am crossing my fingers that i won't get sick (especially as our practice is seeing plenty of flu and h1n1 patients at this point). I'm going to watch the sox in bed tonight -- they can lullabye me until i drift off, and i look forward to waking up tomorrow to see a "w" on the scoreboard.

other than that? i got my new music via ups yesterday and brought it to work (my home computer's cd drive is unhappy atm and i'm afraid to use it) but only managed to listen to one of them today because things are busy as hell there. i'm also a tad disgruntled at other people's behavior. of course, i have no control over it, but i get annoyed when i say a cheery hello to coworkers in the hall and they completely ignore me or even avert their eyes -- this happened five, count 'em *five* times on monday, for no apparent reason. i've also been the recipient of some other rude behavior around the office, and some uncharacteristic distancing on the part of a friend, which i really don't understand but don't feel that it's my place to ask because, again, i have no control over the way other people act, and i don't feel like i should push people as to what they do. but...mehh.

the only other thing going on around here is that i finally got up the courage to ask my landlady to repair the electrical outlet in my bathroom (which has not been working for several years now) because without a ventilation system in there, and a window that only opens about three inches before becoming immobilized in either direction, i need a way to use a fan to help keep the mold down, and a heater to help keep it a little warmer in there during the winter. she looked at me like i was from mars for several seconds and said, "and how much do you think that'll cost?" See, my new neighbor bob already told me he'd fix it, because he's handy like that and has done a lot of home maintenance, and i'm pretty sure he planned to do it for free but even if he didn't, how much could it cost to fix a dead outlet, kwim? i explained all that to her in great detail -- including my need to keep the house as free of mold as possible because of my asthma -- and after awhile she said in a very grudging tone, "well...i guess you can tell bob to fix it." i still need to talk to him and make sure it's free, or if not, get an estimate and hell, i may just pay him myself, although really that's my landlady's responsibility, because it really needs to be done. honestly, though, it blows my mind that she's not even willing to fix a freaking electrical outlet. some people really and truly should not be landlords. again...mehh.

time to take my capital-free self into the other room. i'm really dragging here. enjoy the games, y'all.